You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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