i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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