Dude my mom stole all your condoms
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I need to stop coming to work sober
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
