I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
