1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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