omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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