in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Randomize
