the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
