she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She told me I should be a condom model.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
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