I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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