no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
