Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
