gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
