My first STD was from a foam party
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
