She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
