did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
