Do you still have your period?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
