I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
