She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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