i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
