I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
