he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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