I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So much rum. So many feels.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
