I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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