She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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