my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
