Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
