I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
