I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize