felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
