no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
