my phone needs a breathalizer
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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