I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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