Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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