We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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