i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
