She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
