sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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