I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
