two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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