i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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