You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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