She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
