I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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