I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Randomize
