I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
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