he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
