I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
