I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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