Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
