he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
