I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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