Don't make out with my wife yet
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
