The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Randomize