She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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