do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
