I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i love accidental penises.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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