Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
